my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
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Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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