I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
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So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
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I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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