cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
