OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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