I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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