Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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