oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
