Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
