once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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