before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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