Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
