tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
