ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
