she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
