Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
