at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
