Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
