he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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