i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
