I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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