so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
