Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
