i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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