oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
