WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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