Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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