i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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