a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
