sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
