Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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