I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
