This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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