I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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