I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
