guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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