so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize