cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
