Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
