I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
someone threw a dead crab at me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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