I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
