look no pants
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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