i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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