I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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