He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
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Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.