Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
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A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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