meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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