So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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