I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
