Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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