I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
