you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
People with herpes should wear stickers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
