You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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