I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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