All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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