She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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