alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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