yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
