I didn't shave. On purpose
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
