based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
