Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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