listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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